It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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