I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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