My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
