Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
