This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Are we still banned from the library?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
