I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
