P.S. I can't hear my feet
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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