im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
