I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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