when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
