May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
