Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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