Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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