If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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