she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
