Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
