How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
