I got chris browned last night
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
