My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
