Don't make out with my wife yet
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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