it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Houston, we have a squirter
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
