she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
