so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
