so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
