before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
