just tell him i said nine months
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
