I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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