They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
