So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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