Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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