if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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