can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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