Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
