i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Randomize
