If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
