I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
