My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
