We're like a lot better than the average bears
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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