Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
