Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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