at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I forget how to act sober
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
