whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize