I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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