When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
