he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
