She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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