Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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