please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
