You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
