I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
