Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
