There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
