When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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