tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
