"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
