all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize