i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize