I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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