Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
